The Unlimited Juice Party: Angry Rant

Saturday afternoon left me with a good deal of anger and consternation. In order to vent some of these feelings and make myself a little happier, I'd like to compose a list of some people I really, really don't like. I think I'm a pretty easy-going guy, but you just can't be on everyone's good side, and vice-versa. So here it is, the Ass Hat list.

Let's start this off with the two people that gave me the whole idea in the first place. Pat Haden and Tom Hammond. Pat. What can I say? I really love the fact that you signed up for a job commentating for a team which was once your sworn enemy. I mean, back then it was your job to hate ND. Your insightful comments and keen wit sure soothed the agony of losing once again to your old team.

Tom Hammond. You look like Bea Arthur. NBC hiring you and your buddy to commentate for ND games is like having Russia write a history on how awesome tearing down the Berlin Wall was. Thanks for rubbing salt deep into my injured psyche after this weekend's game.

Mark May. This one's pretty obvious. I know Lou can get a little nuts and hit you with some spittle from time to time, but that doesn't give you the right to hate us so much. When I was a little kid they told us in school that a good reporter is unbiased and gives you the news straight. I guess that's not you. Sorry you had to play for the Redskins. Nice glasses though.

Matt Leinart. I really, really, really don't like you. Sorry you're getting upstaged at work by someone five times your age. Ever since you cheated to win your game against us in 2005 you've been on my bad side. If I wouldn't have gone to jail for hitting you with my saxophone after the game I probably would have done it. No biggie, Dick Vitale kicked it over a year later anyway at a pep rally. Back to the point though. I don't think you're as good as you think you are. There, I said it. Plus, you're friends with the next guy on the list.

Nick Lachey. You're mostly on here because you're friends with Matt Leinart. One thing's for sure though, you may think you're Burt Reynolds, but you're not. At least you're from Ohio. That's pretty cool. One question for you: was it worth it, doing that Sports Illustrated On Campus story with Matt? It sure made me mad. At least your wife was hot. Not too smart, but hey who's counting?

Barefoot Contessa. She is the worst. Talk about the Idle Rich. It bugs me that her husband and I share the same name. It's like when she talks about how she makes him do things for her on the show she's telling me to beckon to her every whim too. Shudder. Nice popped collar too. I didn't know denim stood up like that. It looks great though, just great.

Now, I'm really not that bad of a guy, just a little angry. To complement my list of Ass Hats, here is the Non-Ass Hat list. These people are the balls.

Steve Winwood. Hell yes. That should be all I have to say but I'll keep going. Not only did you write some bomb music on your own, but you were the mastermind behind the Spencer Davis Group and Traffic, jamming with Eric Clapton and others along the way. "Gimme Some Lovin'" was so cool it made it into the Blues Brothers. Wow. "Valerie"? "The Finer Things"? I'm happier just thinking about those songs. That's some Higher Love Captain Dick'n'balls!

Lando Calrisian. How do you spell redemption? L-A-N-D-O. He taught us that anyone can come back. Even after selling out your friends and getting your buddy frozen in carbonite, you managed to see the error in your ways and make up for everything. That little manouver at the Battle of Tinab, calling everyone "Pirate", blowing up the Second Death Star. The list goes on and on. Awesome.

Mega Man. "Oh, that's a cool weapon. I think I'll take it from you after I totally jam you up and turn you into bunch of spinning blue lights." Outstanding force for good, plus besides Mario and a few other video game legends, I can't think of anyone who's been able to make it through so many sequels. Even more than Rocky, and that's saying something. Many thanks for saving the world from Dr. Wily a couple dozen times.