my trip to melody records

on sunday december 14th 2008 i went to church in the district of columbia with jeffery pollack.

i had planned to stop by melody records on the way home to pick up a christmas gift for my sister and two compact discs for myself.

after a nice mass at st. augustine, i hopped on the yellow line at u street.

rode a couple stops and got off at chinatown to wait for a red line train to dupont circle, the location of melody records.

while waiting, a bespectacled, balding, 6'-2", portly, middle-aged man started talking to me.

he was wearing a large maroon parka, carried a satchel, and looked as if he could be related to jim gaffigan.

below i have transcribed a few excerpts from the conversation.

i wrote it in play format and was going to call this man's character "parka man" but i decided "creep" was more fitting.

creep: have you finished you christmas shopping yet?

me: going to pick up the last gift now.

creep: oh what are you getting?

me: maybe a cd for my sister.

creep: oh what does she listen to?

me: everything

creep: well that makes it easy.

me: yup

creep: i haven't done any of my christmas shopping.

me: good luck.

creep: yeah my brother's family is pretty affluent and i have no idea what to get them.

me: hmm

creep: your family must lavish you with gifts at christmas.

me: no, not really.

creep: so what do you want for christmas?

me: i don't know.

creep: c'mon you have to want something.

me: maybe a new suit.

creep: 38 regular

me: 38 long

creep: that means you're skinnier than models. models have to be 40 regular. it's good to be skinny... and long.

me: (no response)

creep: i'm moving in a month and i'll be able to walk to work.

me: that's good, i walk to work.

creep: oh what do you do?

me: i'm an architect.

creep: you could design your own house some day.

me: yup.

creep: think of all the cool things you could put it. energy saving appliances. 

me: probably

creep: bidets?

me: nope

creep: oh not your thing?

me: nope

creep: oh is this dupont already? glad you were paying attention. you know there are 6 starbucks at dupont circle? you have to be very specific if you are meeting someone for coffee.

getting off the train i saw my chance to get away.

he had one of those black brace/cast things on his foot so i assumed he couldn't move quickly.

i said "have a nice day" and cruised up the fast lane of the escalator.

when i got to the long escalator at dupont i didn't slow down.

even though it was moving (not temporarily stairs), i treated the escalator like stairs and stepped up all six thousand steps.

(dupont is really deep for those of you unfamiliar with dc.)

i reached the top and my legs were burning but at least i was free.

i set off to enjoy my trip to the record shop.

after perusing their cd's for a bit, i found what i was looking for and was pleased to find out both albums were on sale.

i was thinking about checking for something else when suddenly i could feel someone standing behind me.

"you sure got out of the metro in a hurry" says the creep from the metro.

**insert scary knife noise from psycho WEAH! WEAH! WEAH!**

the creep had followed me to the record shop!

creep: can i buy you a cup of coffee?

me: (turns to walk away)

creep: wait wait don't go (fumbling through satchel) 

me: (a moment of hesitation)

creep: (pulls out a small unused notebook) who are you? write down your info.

me: why?

creep: so we can get some coffee sometime.

me: i don't think so (walks to cashier and pays for cds)

creep: (waits by the door)

me: (walks briskly out of the store)

creep: i hope she likes them! (if you remember i was buying a gift for my sister) 

me: she will.

when i get back to the metro, there is an interminable 15 minute wait for the next train in the direction of glenmont.

luckily the creep never showed up and i was able to return to my somewhat normal life only slightly scarred by the experience.

moral of the story.

if you're not traveling with friends, keep your nose in a book and wear headphones at all times while in the metro system.